“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then; I contradict myself.”
Walt Whitman can say these words
And not have them carried away by birds
Who fly on winds created by the doubts in my heart
Of who I am
And who I am supposed to be
“Supposed to be” you ask?
Shouldn’t that be for me to decide?
Isn’t that why I’m on this ride?
I’m tall enough, yes
And I’ve waited in line
I’ve passed every test
Overcome every hurdle in my way
But still it seems
The questions come in between my dreams
Why are you different?
You’re not what I expected
There are layers to your cake
And don’t get me wrong, those are delicious layers
Interspersed with raspberry swirl and rainbow sprinkles
But I just didn’t expect that from you
That’s not the way you were raised
That’s not the way your family spends their days
Why change when you can just flow?
And conform to everything you already know?
Well, I say to you, there’s a person inside these genes
And she has blood in her veins
And she has thoughts in her head
And most important of all, she has a heart in her chest
A heart that beats to the steady rhythm of African steel drums
Pounding a message on her answering machine
Reminding her that she still has yet to visit them
A heart that has felt the rush of leaping off the side of a mountain
And yearns to feel it again
A heart that knows
It can’t go with the flow
But you’re from a small town
Where everyone knows your name
Don’t you understand that it wouldn’t be the same?
No more comfort
No more control
No more place to hide
Among the sameness inside
But I want to break free!
I want to be different, don’t you see?
This nature girl wants to feel the concrete jungle beneath her feet
The skyscrapers competing with the heights of the sycamores
The rush of traffic racing the waves of the ocean to see who really controls my pulse
I want to be enveloped in a sea of people
Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours and more
Wrap me up in a bottle and cast me out from the shore
Let the wind determine my path
And I’ll go
I’ll go far away and it will be okay
My roots don’t need grass to hold them in place
A couple phone calls and a couple photographs
Will keep me going until I find my way back into your embrace
I am an only child
I am your only child
Your arms are where I fit best
When my head is pressed against your chest
Just because I leave doesn’t mean I won’t come back
You taught me how to love
And how to give the world’s best hugs
You taught me that everything can be fixed with a little chocolate and a little time
Do you think I wouldn’t keep that in mind?
But I am not patient, I am not always kind
Love is something that must be found
And it will not come to me if I sit at home and wait for it
I will not leave this life with a list of shoulda/woulda/couldas
I will leave with a list full of experiences
And even if I didn’t get a chance to check off all of them
At least I worked towards them
At least I thought it possible for me to achieve them
At least I put them on the list
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from cause
Lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere
The Avett Brothers taught me that one
Do I quote others because I can’t think of the words myself? No
I quote others to know that someone has felt my pain before
And that with pain they might have achieved more
And so can I
My confidence is wearing thin now
I think you may be able to read between the lines now
You might be able to brush away the eraser dust
And see straight through words I’ve written only in pencil
For writing them in pen would be too permanent
And I still have doubts
Enough to fill my heart and carry those birds
For maybe all I’m doing is repeating words
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then; I contradict myself.”
May 2014